I sat down to make a note about my ELL class from last night. I wanted to share what took place with the whole world. However, as I sat down to start writing, my phone rang. I've been awaiting news from a possible summer internship, so when I didn't recognize the number, my heart leapt a bit and I took a deep breath. I answered in a normal tone, greeted the woman on the other end and listened intently as my heart slowly and heavily went from one beat to the next. As I listened to the kind words of the woman, I said thank you and closed my phone. Tears welled, but I wouldn't let them spill. My lip quivered a bit, but no, I would not let myself cry because I didn't get what I wanted. Thoughts rushed through my head, "What did I do wrong?" "I knew I should have answered that one question differently." "Maybe they thought I was being too fake, or maybe they thought I was too honest."
In the background of my loud thoughts, quiet piano music started to play. My iTunes switched to the song "Empty Me" by Chris Sligh. As the music started to get a little louder, the words Chris was singing began to interrupt my thoughts. "I know how I can stray, and how fast my heart can change. Empty me of the selfishness inside, every vein ambition and the poison of my pride. And any foolish thing my heart holds to, Lord empty me so I can be filled with you."
This internship was a ministry opportunity and in applying for it, I was doing it for the right reasons. I felt called, what other right reason could I ask for? So I did it. I applied and anticipated getting the position because of the strong feeling of being called; however, I don't think it ever occurred to me that 89 other people also felt called. (This would be where my selfishness inside came into play). It's not that all 90 of us applicants felt called but weren't- we all felt called because we were.
Last night as I impatiently awaited to hear the "yes" or "no", I talked to Alex about how I was feeling. He was the first one to help me recognize this. "Allison, even if you don't get this position, it doesn't mean that you weren't called for one reason or another. You were, don't doubt that. God just might have different plans for your application, this process, and maybe even for your summer."
As I contemplate all of these thoughts and words, I am becoming more and more relieved. Not relieved that I didn't get the position, it would have been an honor!! Just....relieved that I'm not the only one God is calling to proclaim His words and do His work. This is something I'm taking great joy in knowing.
We are not alone - we are never alone.
Jesus wants us to take comfort in these words.
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